


Feel Something

by lovingremus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: After Party, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Coming out kinda?, Demiromantic Remus Lupin, Demisexual Remus Lupin, Fluff, Gay Sirius Black, Getting Together, Hogwarts Sixth Year, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mutual Pining, Oblivious Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25228510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovingremus/pseuds/lovingremus
Summary: Remus has never really grasped how some people feel very neutral about kissing. It had never been like him to snog random people at parties. Sirius, on the other hand, happens to be a prime example of that person.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 226





	Feel Something

“Alright, it’s past midnight, time to wrap it up.”

Remus raised his hand and pointed his wand over everyone’s heads. The battered radio blasting muggle rock ballads on one of the tables shut off, erupting a collective groan from almost every single person in the Common Room. Many kissing couples broke apart. Some wildly dancing students slowed down and looked at him, disappointed.

Remus’s gaze wandered to the one pair still making out near the Portrait Hole. He tried his best to ignore them, and kept his voice determined as he carried on. “Come on now. Most of you lot still have exams tomorrow. Celebrate all you want when the Christmas break begins, but the Tower needs to become quiet now.”

The crowd started to drift to their dorms, some looking relieved, some sending angry glares Remus’s way as they passed by him. Remus was used to it. Oh, the joys of being a Prefect.

It didn’t take too long to empty the room. Everybody had been sober enough to walk up the stairs without tripping and tumbling, for once.

There were only three people left. Sirius was still standing near the Portrait Hole, face to face with a brunet boy, a year older Gryffindor, who was talking to him in a low voice. Remus was careful not to look directly at them. He pretended to straighten the throw pillows on the couch, stealing glances from the corner of his eye.

The boy was now leaning his lips to Sirius’s ear, but Sirius didn’t seem to be paying too much attention to him. His eyes were alert, and strictly on Remus.

Sirius and Remus’s eyes locked for a second, and he quickly turned away.

“Your dorms, Sirius, Andrew,” he said.

Andrew pouted, but didn’t seem to have the nerves to disobey a direct order by someone who could (and _would_ , Remus thought) reduce house points from him for not co-operating. He strode across the room to the boys’ staircase, then turned to take one last look at Sirius. Realizing Sirius wasn’t following, he scoffed, and marched out of the view.

Sirius didn’t move until they heard the seventh-year boys’ dorm door close behind Andrew. He walked past Remus, his steps pausing at the bottom of the staircase.

“Aren’t you coming, too?”

Remus wasn’t planning on that. “Yeah,” he said. “In a minute.”

He moved away from the couch, starting to pick up the empty butterbeer bottles and candy wrappers covering most of the floor. He’d hoped Sirius would leave him to it, give him a moment alone. But when he looked behind him, he saw the boy leaning to the wall, still observing at him, and clearly going nowhere. Remus didn’t have the heart to ask him to go.

A part of him didn’t mind. The part that always craved Sirius’s presence. The part that had been aching for him all night long, even though Sirius had been a few feet away at most.

“Sorry for being such a buzzkill,” Remus said to break the quiet, throwing a handful of Chocolate Frog wrappers to a bin.

“You’re fine. I’d rather have you to call it quits before the other prefects come and put everyone in detention.” Sirius moved closer. “Besides - I’m glad you did. I was getting a bit tired snogging Andrew already, got a great excuse to stop. You saw how reluctant he was to let me go. Suggested I’d go to his dorm with him.”

Remus chewed his lip but didn’t say anything. Not that the biggest reason he’d shut the party down hadn’t been to fulfill his Prefect responsibilities, but to have an excuse to force Sirius and Andrew apart. He was glad it had worked in Sirius’s favor, but at the moment, he’d done it all for himself. He couldn’t take it anymore.

It wasn’t easy to watch him making out with someone else at almost every party. Sirius was free to do whatever he wanted, of course. He didn’t judge him for his behavior. He wished he could stop caring about it so much.

Remus set the last bottles on the table, ending up knocking half of them down, and crashed on the couch, rubbing his face. He was tired. It had been his turn to keep an eye on the partying teenagers the whole evening. He hadn’t even had a chance to grab a single drink himself.

Sirius sat next to him. “Is everything okay?” 

“Maybe not everything,” Remus muttered. Lying to Sirius was pointless, he’d learned it years ago. The boy could always see right through him. He observed the dying flames in the fireplace, not sure if he was willing to get into it. “Might be hard to explain, though.”

“Well, good thing you sent everyone to bed. We have the whole night.”

Remus exhaled. He knew Sirius wouldn’t give up until he’d feel better. Although at times it could be frustrating, it was one of the things Remus appreciated the most about him. Alongside the fact that Sirius was likely the most trustworthy person he knew.

He could talk to him about this. He could talk to him about anything.

Remus was weighing his words carefully. He didn’t know where to begin, or how much he was ready to share in one sitting. He was afraid he’d slip a bit too much.

“How do you do it?” Remus looked into Sirius’s silvery eyes.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, his mouth falling open a bit. “Do what?”

“Just… _do_ it.”

“I… don’t have any idea what you are talking about, Moony.”

“How can you just kiss anyone?”

Sirius blinked, his gaze flickering over Remus’s face. He didn’t understand.

“It just looks so uncomplicated for you,” Remus said. “You just barely know a guy and you might start to snog him. How do you do _that?_ ”

“Oh,” Sirius said, raising his hand to rub the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I don’t even think about it too much. I just like it, I guess.”

“So how do you know if they want to kiss you back?”

Sirius, though he never shied away from these topics, looked more confused by the minute. Remus well knew why. It wasn’t like him to bring stuff like this up. He’d witnessed dozens of giddy conversations between Sirius and James in the small hours of the night, but for Remus, it was a very uncommon ground.

“Uh, well, most of the time they come up to me. And most aren’t too unclear about what they have in mind.” Sirius bit his lip, looking almost apologetic.

“Right.” Remus felt his heart sink. Of course. Who wouldn’t want to kiss Sirius Black. Who wouldn’t want to try their luck. And that was what Remus just couldn’t wrap his head around. People just _going for_ it.

Sirius turned his whole body to face Remus. He leaned his elbow to the backrest. “Are you saying you don’t like kissing or something?”

“No, I… I don’t know.” Remus swallowed, cheeks heating by the shame he held in the words he was about to say. “Can’t say. I have never even kissed anyone before.”

“Yes you have,” Sirius said with a light chuckle. “You told me you kissed Ben from Hufflepuff last spring.”

“Yeah, well…” Remus fiddled the loose strings on his jumper sleeves between his fingers. “I _told_ you that. But I didn’t.”

The next thing he knew was all the thoughts he never had planned to say out loud pouring out of his mouth before he could stop them.

“ _Everyone_ has had their first kiss ages ago. It was the second year for you, and the third year for James! But I still haven’t, and I _should have_ by now.” Remus took a shuddering breath. “And I don’t know what’s wrong with me, because I don’t even _want to_ kiss anyone unless it’s someone I really, really like, and… I’m such a late bloomer. I should be feeling more.”

“Oh, Moony.” Sirius closed one arm around him, pulling him into a hug. Remus allowed himself to sink into him. He let his head flop onto his shoulder, and Sirius pressed his own cheek on top of it. “First of all, there’s nothing wrong with you. You hear me?”

Remus closed his eyes. He hadn’t known to expect that, and he didn’t know how hearing those few words could fill him with such a relief.

“Second... I understand. I think I do. It’s like… you can’t bother to pick up a new book, but you’d rather read the one you’ve already read and know will love?”

Remus snorted. “I… somewhat, yeah, I guess.”

“So what is wrong with that?” Sirius raised his head. Remus felt like he was supposed to do the same, and their eyes found each other again. Sirius smirked. “You don’t have to kiss anyone you don’t have feelings for if that’s what you want. Anyone telling you the opposite is a jackass. It’s different for everyone, and _nothing_ to be ashamed of.”

“But it’s not _just_ kissing,” Remus said. A new wave of self-doubt took over him - he sat up straight again, gently removing Sirius’s arm from around him. “It’s also… I don’t think I _feel enough_. I can’t just fall for people, not the way everyone else seems to. I want to know them well before I do. I’ve only ever liked one boy, after knowing him for ages. And I don’t know why… What if I’m just narrow-minded or picky…”

Sirius let out a small sigh.

“You’re neither of those things, and you know it. Listen, what you described… well, it sounds like that’s just who you are. Everybody’s a bit unique. I’ve heard some people never like anyone at all, and you wouldn’t judge them for it, right? So why do you judge yourself?”

Remus didn’t know what to say. He felt himself fill with the same warmth again, making him feel almost teary. Sirius would never know the importance of his words. How much peace they’d just brought him. And coming from Sirius, they meant even more.

But there was still one more thing troubling him.

“Do you fancy him?”

“Who?”

“Andrew.”

Sirius’s laugh lit a flame in his heart. “No. He’s nice… and nice to look at, for sure…” Sirius hesitated. “But there’s someone else. Someone _I_ really, really like.” Sirius glanced at him, a fond smile dancing on his lips. Remus couldn’t stand it. It was too beautiful. He couldn’t bring himself to smile back. Sirius liked _someone_. And knowing Sirius was the most social person he knew, it could be anyone. Literally anyone.

Sirius tilted his head at Remus. “So… what about the boy you that stole your poor heart. You still into him?”

Remus managed a small nod. He didn’t know how long he could carry on this conversation with Sirius. It had all gone so well, and he’d had to ruin it with a dumb, personal question.

“You know, I haven’t kissed him yet. The boy I actually like.”

This took Remus by surprise. “You - you haven’t?”

Sirius shook his head. “It’s kind of the opposite for me, I guess. It’s easier to for me kiss someone when there are no feelings attached. That’s why I keep kissing other boys. I wasn’t sure if he’d want to kiss me back.”

“Wasn’t?”

“Let’s just say, tonight cleared things up a lot.”

Remus was too exhausted to think who else but Andrew he’d seen Sirius talk to that night. He wished Sirius would stop staring at him for one second. The boy hadn’t taken his eyes off him ever since he’d shut down the party.

“Anyone should feel lucky to be the one you like, Padfoot.” His next words came out harsh and bitter, filled with all the emotions he’d been trying to push down for the whole night. Sirius didn’t seem to care. His eyes lit up, narrowing a bit.

“ _Anyone_ , huh?”

Remus knew he’d given himself away. He shut his eyes again, this time so he wouldn’t have to face the boy next to him. Who now _knew_. He was sure he knew.

They sat in silence for a moment, neither knowing what to say next. Remus’s heart was pounding, his hands were shaking on his lap. It was torturing.

At last, Sirius cleared his throat. “He’s really amazing, you know.”

Remus felt a lump rise in his throat. He grabbed one of the pillows, using it to cover his face so Sirius couldn’t see the tears that were burning hot behind his eyes, about to start streaming down his cheeks. It had been _the worst_ ice breaker Sirius could’ve possibly come up with.

“Very smart, which is so hot.”

“Sirius.” Remus’s voice was pleading.

“Although _sometimes_ ,” Sirius said. “He can be a _bloody_ idiot. Can’t take the hint to save his life.”

“Sirius, please, stop.” He sniffed against the pillow, turning his head just enough for his words to come out clear, not muffled against the thick fabric. “Fuck, I’m sorry, but it really doesn’t feel good to hear you talk about him -”

“Oh, you’ve _got_ to be kidding me.” Sirius grabbed Remus’s head between his palms, pushing the pillow out of the way. The way he held him forced Remus to watch directly into Sirius’s eyes. “I’m making this as clear as I possibly can. _You_ better start feeling lucky real fast.”

Remus had always known not to expect too much of the first kiss. At one point, after listening to other people’s experiences, most sounding more horrific than romantic, he had been sure he would never want to even try it himself.

But it had all changed after he’d realized he had feelings for Sirius. And now, the second Sirius’s lips crashed on his, his mind went blank. His heart had never beaten so fast before - the only thing that existed to him was Sirius, Sirius’s thumbs stroking his cheeks, Sirius’s hot lips on his. To be his first, it was better than he ever could’ve imagined.

Sirius pulled away much sooner than he would’ve wanted - before he’d even had time to properly respond to the kiss. They stared at each other breathlessly for a moment. Then Sirius’s face broke into a content smile. He looked even a little flustered.

“So…” he said, running his hand through Remus’s hair. “How do you like kissing?”

Remus beamed. He helped Sirius to climb on his lap, and rested his hands on his hips. “I think I could get used to it.”

“Well, lucky you. Like I said before…” Sirius leaned forward. He tilted Remus’s chin up, landing soft kisses on his jaw. “We have the whole night.”

**Author's Note:**

> Remus's mindset it based a lot on my own thoughts, as a demiromantic (and asexual) person. I know not all demi people experience things the same way - this is just pretty much how I do. Just wanted to clear that out. I still hope there are some who might even find this helpful :).
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @[lovingremus](http://lovingremus.tumblr.com/) !!


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